A Journal on my first love - as it happened

It is a no Amar

I am not interested!  

She exclaims.That’s her habit.Even when I expressed my love, she exclaims like the one above.

          It was a happy day for me, January 9^th 2014, when we organize events for differently-abled in our NSS unit. We take students from a few different-abled “special schools”, conduct games for them and help them exhibiting their talents. I was in my first year then. The event I was supposed to conduct was only after 12PM. I was free in the morning.  So I chose to be running here and there in the venue and see what my friends in other events where doing.

    “Amar, you better go to the drawing hall, they are in need of sketches” said Sheela my senior. I took some sketch boxes and ran towards the drawing hall.  For me it was a new experience, being a CEGian, and in this particular NSS unit! So I did all the jobs told to me quickly and enthusiastically. I went  to the drawing hall and gave sketch boxes to them.

“You are running out of time, Bhadra. It is already 11:00 AM. You gotta complete it by 11:30”, I said to Bhadra who was in charge of drawing events.

    She exclaimed ”Hmm!”. That was her  habit! Only then I noticed her. She was wearing a simple blue brown salwar, loose tops but a tight leggings like pant. I’ve  seen her a couple of times back but I haven’t spoke to her. When you see someone beautiful, you become happy. But when you see someone lovely like I saw Bhadra that day  you will be disturbed! It was emotion that can’t be considered as elation or misery; till the end of that day I was in somber and deeply disturbed but joyful in my activities.

      Every Engineering college has those  2 departments where girls are not chosen according to the marks they scored but according to now they look. ‘ You are hot, go to CS’, ‘You are cute, go to IT’. That’s  the way the counseling goes, I presume!. And Yes! Bhadra was from one of those departments. Only because she was in the same unit as mine, I happened to meet her! We exchanged a few “hi”-s in the unit. When we see somewhere in the college time we give a smile of recognition. I should definitely say this- her smile was divine and never in a hurry!

      Meanwhile I got her number and started texting her.  She was usual and cool with her exclamations. Before telling what happened it’s time to say how I text to people. Basically I don’t wish people and ask  rubbish questions like “ How are you?”, “ saptiya?” “enna panura” etc. Though I didn’t bother me first, later I began to realize its worth doing rubbish things to retain people.  At least for namesake I started “well wishing”.

   We started chatting. Hi s were transmitted and hi s were received. No actual gain in talking to her ‘my mind said. Heart throbbed “ I love her!”. When you are in a crossroads with mind and heart instinctively you choose heart. Then happened the “crush-routine”. I began to believe that I was loving her. I started downloading her display pics. I went to her fb page and downloaded all the pics that she was tagged in.

   One fine day I thought of a really stupid idea of Proposing her. I call it stupid because the real time trend in making a girl your best friend and then proposing her. That will do! But I proposed a girl whom I haven’t talked much personally, with whom I haven’t rubbed my shoulders!. Now I laugh at me how foolish I was then!. My love ended in the very first para.  It was all like Kamalhassan song “ solla pona manusanukku firstu tholvi kadhal than”.

  My personal quote is “ love somebody and fail in love”. You will realize then, how vast the ocean of love lust and hate is; how magnificent the earth is; how generous God is; and how many are people longing for your love!”

22-02-2015

Sunday 01:43PM